MartiniPundit

Random thoughts and insights – always shaken, never stirred

Ides of April

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Maybe because it’s tax day and I’m about to send off two checks to the gummint, but I’m in no mood to blog on serious items. A friend sent me this recently:

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M). By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. M: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative. M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. M: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. M: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. M: Took hammer away from midget

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Written by martinipundit

April 15, 2005 at 9:58 pm

Posted in General

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